The Canucklehead Experience

Has anyone else seen the new Thor movie yet? Saw it last night!

Okay back again with another stream of consciousness style review. This time we’re tackling MoH We all Scream for Ice Cream.

Scene 1 takes us in an interesting direction. If your child eats ice cream, you will melt into neopolitan.

Creepy ass Ice Cream truck. Lost from Twisted Metal. Cut to a funeral. The man who was turned to ice cream is being remembered.

Our main character doesn’t like clowns. It’s okay, neither do I. What the hell are you doing with your life? You’re creepy, and you are associated with doing horrible things to children.

Laine is his name. Okay we finally know. Laine has a family. His kid wants Ice Cream. His kid might end up turning him to neopolitan.

There is a conspiracy from the local drunk that Laine is the cause of several strange deaths in the area.

Laine is driving at night when two children show up with coins of some symballic nature, blocking his way. He drives around then and heads home. Hah, where he almost hits his own son, who is waiting awkwardly there waiting with the same coin, an old quarter. An underlying voice says “I scream, you scream”

Creepy fucking clown doing drive by creamings. A child opens his ice cream bar and it’s shaped liker a man.

The drunk from the bar is puking out on the road, and a strange man in the woods witnesses him turn into melted ice cream.

Okay, so here’s the problem, kids are eating voodoo ice cream shaped like people in town as some form of vengance by a clown of evil?

They keep using the creepy ice cream truck and foggy road combo. Nice out first close up of the evil clown. The freddy kruger of ice cream perhaps.

Laine knocks boots with his wife, unlike half the other MoH movies, we aren’t invited. He then has flashbacks to Buster the clown passing out ice cream.

We find out that Laine was part of a group that picked on Buster the clown. Virgil, the group douchebag, rips off Buster’s nose, to find there is no real one underneath it, ruining his life.

We learn indirectly that Virgil is now the wild man we saw in the woods.

Laine is called to the scene where the drunk turned to goo. So far there hasn’t been a single scary event. some slightly creepiness but that’s it.

Our new concept is that children leave their homes at night in kind of a pied piper hypnotic trance to go get ice cream. Finally, a confrontation, briefly between Laine and the ice cream man, who has to be Buster.

It’s time to learn what Laine left out of the Buster flashback. What kind of dick kids would do something like this. Virgil and Laine and his crew are the reason that everything bad is happening, of course.

Horror Rule: When someone tells you to pack up and get the kids out of harm’s way, fucking listen.

I am already done with this movie and I think it might actually get interesting soon. Laine is going to confront Virgil, the douchy twat who grew into a crazy naked man in a tub.

Is there another movie where a naked man gives the big plot reveal?

Oh ROFL! Illegitimate child FTW. Crazy Virgil boils in the tub in the first graphic scene of the movie.

It must be time for the final showdown next. There are only Laine and Papa Joe left from the horrible pranks that created the evil clown. And Clicker lights are the weapon of choice.

Oh but Buster is after the easy target, the mother driving away with the kids. Laine you better come to your senses fast!

I do like Buster’s line “get yourself some sweet revenge, kid”

Laine is making his own ice cream weapon! haha!

Honestly if there was anything interesting happening, this would be a hell of a lot easier to write.

Lol Kill it with water!

Counter Voodoo with the clown ice cream FTW, but this MoH was totally fail. Better than Sounds Like, though.

The Canucklehead Experiences the Phoenix Film Festival

The Muppet Movie Experience

I have a guilty confession to make. As a fan of The Muppets since I was a small child, I can do a pretty solid Kermit the Frog, especially after a few drinks. That is why I can’t believe I had never seen the original Muppet Movie before. I wish I could say that when I saw they were doing a special retro screening of the film at the Phoenix Film Festival that I jumped at the chance to finally see it. That’s not exactly how I found myself in that theater.

You see, sometimes I read things and get really excited and forget to continue reading the important information that follows what originally got me all revved up. I had been following the process of How I Met Your Mother’s Jason Siegel’s upcoming Muppet movie for the new generation, which, while not a remake of the original, is also called “The Muppet Movie” – I was incredibly impressed that the Phoenix Film Festival got such an advanced cut of the film (which is expected out in October). A trek up to Scottsdale 101 in the early morning was in order!

Fast forward – we’re all sitting in the theater – and the occasional murmur from the fellow filmoholics behind me include words like, “classic,” and talk about the ’70s, of course with me in the front row with my feet up on the barricade, lady beside me. As the emcee for the screening arrived, someone decided they wanted chocolate, and so I left the theater during an important message – we were actually screening the original release of “The Muppet Movie” in just a few moments. I missed that memo.

When I came back, the movie was starting up and I couldn’t help but have a series of thoughts:

Wow, those cars sure look vintage.

Everything looks a little bit off, like it’s from the seventies.

Oh, I know, maybe they’re going to do one of those bits where it starts the film in a classic color scheme and then transitions to a fresh high-def format.

That rainbow looks oddly technicolor…wait a second.

It was at this point, when Kermit began the first song, that I leaned over and whispered, “Hey, honey…I think this might be the original Muppet movie—”

“It IS the original Muppet movie!” It was that whisper/scream hybrid that men dread.

Despite this incident, I have made two realizations that I likely have not made since I was a small child.

1. Fozzy Bear and Wakka Wakka are funny every time. Period.

2. Miss Piggy can and does ruin everything, I don’t care how ironic it is that a frog and a pig have a thing, if the Muppets were in a horror movie, Miss Piggy would be the slutty blonde you can’t wait to see get a Columbian necktie.

This is part one of three segments surrounding my Phoenix Film Festival Experience. In the coming days I will review “The Dead Inside” (A horror/comedy/musical) and “Absentia” (Winner of the International Horror/Sci-Fi Best Horror Award)